You Nasty Mutha...

It's Fall making that turn into Winter (but not Southern California 'cause you know it never rains). The clocks are turned back and I'm ready to go to sleep when it's dark at 5. Sweaters, boots, and hoodies are now at the front of most people's closets. Here in Los Angeles (on the days when it's a cold 60°), the girls are rockin' their Uggs with shorts and a scarf (don't ask, it's some L.A. West Coast 'ish). Cuffin' season is here and hipsters are moisturizing their beards. But those aren't the only things that have kicked off...

'Tis the season of 'err body giving 'err body their germs. Folks out here passing along their colds and flus like chain letters. I swear colds and chain letters are cut from the same cloth — you hate you get 'em, but you can't stop people from sharing 'em.

And the percentile of nasty muthasuckas (singing it in my radio-friendly Prince voice) being nasty with their germs is high. It's the equivalent of the number of items you own that say "Made in China." "Them" and "they's" nastiness is on full display. Yes, I used "them" and "they" 'cause I've Jim Crow'ed myself. I'm out here livin' my life like it's Howard Hughes recluse golden. I'm not flu-shot invincible. I don't even believe in those things anyway. Everyone that gets that dang shot gets sick and it's 10x worse. I don't care what the CDC says, I'm good! Miss me with all that! Bump what ya heard, The Tuskegee Experiment was real!

Nasty muthasuckas, (I'm really trying hard not to curse), I'm GOP-intolerant of your pathogen-pregnant sneezing and coughing. Have some manners, turn away in the opposite direction, don't cough in your hand 'cause you're liable to touch something after, just "dab" with it (sneezing and coughing into your arm has the same motion). You can get your Cam Newton on and not look ridiculous. For once it's justified. Don't come into public places with your smoker's cough— I can hear all that rattling and I don't want it rattling near me. Don't pull a wad of snot rags out your pocket, place them on the table, and then touch something in my vicinity. UMH, NO! I'll give you the screw face, virus-carrier.

The nasty muthas...in the workplace, the worst! They're like the "White Walkers" on Game of Thrones except neither "The Wall" or the "Night's Watch" exist for your protection. Oh! They come in various forms too!

You got the ones who show up to work looking like something out of The Walking Dead talking about "I'm fine." They have sick days, plus they're salaried, but refuse to take the polite, HR-appropriate hint that the boss gives to vacate the premises. Maaan, you're not Michael Jordan and the JAYO is not the flu game. Stop worrying about your job (there is such a thing as working remotely) and be considerate. They'll replace you like a starter wife whether you're well or not.

Then there's the ones that stroll in with their eye the color of a weed smoker's that didn't use Visine saying, "it's just allergies." I swear if you don't get your conjunctivitis, Contagion arse outta here! I don't care about your feelings! I'm the one that'll tell you to go the fcuk home!

Let's not forget the ones that want to touch everything and tell you they're not contagious. They're all about the downplay and self-diagnosis. "Oh, it's a mild virus some 24-hr thing that will pass. " Well, why don't you let it pass at home, on your couch, with you and Judge Judy. They are the main ones laughing, low-key offended, and call you all kinds of dramatic when you treat them like the plague they are.

I'm that co-worker that's spraying hallways, cubicles, doorknobs, conference rooms, and offices with Lysol, wiping my belongings down with Clorox wipes (since I don't know what you've touched), and recommending hand sanitizer (but not offering my personal supply; use the communal). I have no shame. Think I'm crazy if you want to for my preemptive tactics, but I'm looking at you like you got SARS.

I rebuke this notion of "it's the new normal" for colds to be passed around the office three and four times like it's a game of tag. I got weekend plans, brunches, and trips that can't be missed with folks I actually like. These excursions are what make it tolerable for me to be around YOU for forty hours Monday thru Friday. Ain't nobody got time for involuntary, bed-ridden time. If I mess around and get sick, I'mma NCIS and figure it out. If you got me sick, I'm giving it back. I'm petty like that!

And lastly, the parents with their sick kids, God bless you! I know little people are petri dishes of grossness, but Mom & Dad I'mma need for you to manage these germ situations as best as you can. You don't get a full pass, only a partial, and it's on a case- by-case basis. Don't have 'em looking like the crumb snatcher in the pic. Don't be parent that knowingly or having an inclination and send 'em to school with strep, lice, chickenpox, pink eye, ringworms, or any of those easily-passable kiddie germs. If you are that parent, there's a reason why you don't feel welcome at PTA meetings.

Seriously, if you're of a certain age and don't know these things by now, you better call on the Gods 'cause me and my hazmat suit can't save you!